Table of Contents

Cover Page

An Interview with DeViDe

Solving Mystery/Puzzle Caches

An Interview with SnappyTurtles

Don't Miss the Dixie Train & Caboose

A Few Words from A Couple of the Totally Insane

Regular Features

Chuckles

Credits

Back Issues of the UTAG Magazine

The Trials and Tribulations of Tech Support

Customer:	I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support:	OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer:	Yeah....
Tech support:	And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer:	Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen...
Tech support:	Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Tech support:	What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:	A white one...
Customer:	Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:	Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer:	Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:	That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:	No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...
Tech support:	Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer:	Your left or my left?
Tech support:	Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:	Hello... I can't print.
Tech support:	Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer:	Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it!
Customer:	Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer:	I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:	Do you have a color printer?
Customer:	Aaaah..............thank you
Tech support:	What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:	A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Customer:	My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:	Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:	No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:	Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:	OK
Tech support:	Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:	Yes
Tech support:	That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:	Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work
Tech support:	Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:	Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer:	I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:	Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:	Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:	Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:	Five stars.
Customer:	I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support:	How may I help you?
Customer:	I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:	OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:	Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:	Are you running it under windows?
Customer:	"No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And last but not least:...
Tech support:	"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer:	I don't have a P.
Tech support:	On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:	What do you mean?
Tech support:	"P"...on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:	I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!