Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck..
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to *Elves*,
*Vertically Challenged* they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
His fur-trimmed red suit was called *Unenlightened*.
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
Demanding millions in overdue compensation
So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
Which meant nothing for him and nothing for her
Nothing that might be construed to pollute
Nothing to aim; nothing to shoot
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise
Nothing for just girls or just for the boys
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological
No baseball, not football...someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
But you've got to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
Each group of people, every religion
Every ethnicity, every hue
Everyone, everywhere...even you
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
*May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.*

Dog Breeding Made Absurd
If you mix a:	With a:	You get a:
Pointer	Setter	Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier	Skye Terrier	Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees	Dachshund	Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekinese	Lhasa Apso	Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel	English Springer Spaniel	Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever	Curly Coated Retriever	Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland	Basset Hound	Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier	Bulldog	Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound	Labrador	Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute	Pointer	Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie	Malamute	Commute, a dog that travels to work